Lucifer Sues God for Libel

34 min readDec 25, 2022

by Scott Burdick

When the President of the United States announced that the Prince of Darkness would appear at the Supreme Court to sue God for libel, I assumed it was a desperate publicity stunt by a president facing near-certain defeat in his run for a second term.

My invitation to attend the trial was even more startling, since I’m best described as no one. Susan talked me into accepting with her usual persuasive charm. “Just think of the street-cred of being in the same room as the embodiment of evil incarnate. Maybe some fitly rich wild-eyed crypto zealot will see you there and buy your pile of unsold paintings for a bonfire of the vanities reenactment.”

I knew the real reason she wanted me to go, of course.

Lucifer wore a gray hoodie and exuded some serious beat-poet vibes as he walked past the rows of dignitaries — and then right in front of the press benches where I sat.

A rather annoying dwarfish balding reporter in the seat to my left emitted a gurgling chuckle, and then joked that he smelled a hint of sulfur.

In an unprecedented move, the proceedings were being televised live to a global audience — at least to those nations that hadn’t banned it as blasphemy. There were the inevitable God versus Lucifer cosplay parties with enthusiastic wagers on the outcome (God was favored by a 3–1 spread). A few churches were holding prayer vigils to watch the televised showdown between good and evil in the hopes that it would trigger the Rapture.

I viewed the entire thing as farce — at least before I stared into Lucifer’s eyes (imagine two backlit emeralds that make you feel as if you’d plunged into a bottomless well). Those eyes caused some hairline cracks in my normally rock-solid wall of skepticism. If it was a special-effects trick — and I was nearly certain it was — it was a damned good one.

According to scripture — or maybe it was one of those know-it-all prophets — Lucifer had once held a heavenly rank second only to God — but threw it all away to lead nearly half the angels of Heaven in a cataclysmic rebellion against God — or so I was told by Father O’Malley while serving penance as an altar boy at Saint Celestine.

The plaintiff took his seat facing the raised bench of mahogany. Almost instantly, the Chief Justice entered through the curtains behind the half-moon ring of nine empty chairs. His white beard and black robes seemed more appropriate to a Tolkien novel than a modern courtroom.

The Bailiff called out, “All Rise for the honorable Chief Justice James Dunn.”

We rose.

The former West-Texas circuit judge/Baptist minister took no special notice of the plaintiff as he sat down — followed by the rest of us like some mass game of Simon-Says.

Justice Dunn’s famous scowl deepened. “I only agreed to this as a personal favor to the President who went out on a limb in nominating me to this post.” He turned his fierce glare on the plaintiff, seemingly unfazed by those other-worldly eyes. “Understand that I am not intimidated by you in the least, and the slightest threat of eternal damnation to any witness or person within this court will result in a dismissal with extreme prejudice. Am I clear on that point?”

The plaintiff inclined his head and spoke in a voice reminiscent of Mister Rogers. “Perfectly clear, Your Honor.”

A middle-aged man seated in the gallery of dignitaries leapt to his feet, lofted a wooden crucifix, and shouted, “Satan, begone!”

The Judge slammed his gavel down. “Senator Smithson, we will have order in the courtroom.”

“How dare you and the President allow this demon to spread his — ”

At a nod from the judge, two Supreme Court police officers took hold of the senator by both arms and frog-marched him out of the chamber.

The reporter beside me giggled, “I bet that video clip will feature prominently in the Senator’s campaign commercials.”

When order had been restored, Justice Dunn resumed. “Despite numerous attempts to contact God, we have received no response. The distinguished Reverend Fallborn, who has argued several cases before this court, has graciously volunteered to defend the Lord in absentia.”

It was a politically shrewd choice by the President, since Reverend Fallborn’s televised Sunday ministry boasted a viewership encompassing multiple Christian denominations.

The Chief Justice waved an impatient hand toward the Devil. “Are you ready to present your case?”

“Yes, Your Honor.” The Prince of Darkness walked to the center lectern facing the elevated black-robed justice. “May it please the court, my name is Lucifer, which translates literally as ‘Light Giver.’ I’m here to adjudicate my claim of libelous defamation of character by my former employer, God.”

“For the record,” Justice Dunn said, “which specific god are you making this claim against?”

“His formal name is unpronounceable by human vocal chords and would shatter windows and human ear drums if spoken aloud, but He is known variously as Yahweh, Elohim, Jehovah-Sabbaoth, Alpha and Omega, The Word, Abba — ”

“That will suffice. Proceed.”

Lucifer cleared his throat. “I intend to prove beyond any doubt that intentional libel has been knowingly carried out against me by God on a scale and scope never experienced by any other living being in the history of creation. I further will demonstrate that God, Himself, is guilty of everything He falsely attributes to me.”

“Let’s get on with it, then,” the judge said. “You may call your first witness.”

“I call to the stand, Eve.”

The lights in the windowless courtroom flickered and went out. There was a change in air pressure, and my ears popped slightly. Someone in the audience screamed. When the lights came back on a few seconds later, a barefoot woman stood on the floor between the Judge and the Devil.

I’d seen a similar trick at a Penn and Teller magic show once, so wasn’t particularly impressed.

The woman’s voluptuous hips and breasts were covered by a patchwork of animal skins that left just enough to the imagination to avoid an R-rating. A crown of wild-flowers adorned her ebony hair, while her flawless skin was about five shades darker than all those Eden paintings I’d seen in museums.

“Bailiff, please swear in the witness.”

“Your Honor,” said Lucifer. “I must object to having the witness swear on the very document in question in this case.”

The judge waved the bailiff back to his post with the court Bible. “Do you, Eve, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

“I do.” Eve took a seat in the witness box. Her dark eyes glared at Lucifer. “I will not be fooled by your lies a second time, you snake-in-the-grass.”

“I regret that God’s disinformation campaign against me tarnished the reputation of the noble snake,” Lucifer said, “but please tell me what lies I told you?”

“You lied when you said we wouldn’t die from eating the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.”

Lucifer opened the Bible and began reading aloud. “And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, but of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, thou shalt not eat of it, for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.”

“Exactly!” Eve said.

“Did you die in ‘the day’ you ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil?”

“Well, no,” Eve said. “We had a whole lot of children by the time Adam died at the age of nine-hundred-and-thirty. I died of a broken heart soon after burying him.” Eve brushed aside a tear.

“That’s quite a long life,” Lucifer said. “Which implies that God lied to you when He said the fruit itself would kill you the very day you ate of it.”

Eve’s brows furrowed, and she glanced around as if seeking escape from implying God was untruthful.

Reverend Fallborn said, “I object to this vile creature of evil calling God a liar!”

“Reverend,” the judge said, “this is a libel case, so it will be up to me to determine which of the two parties is lying after all the evidence has been presented.”

“But Satan called my Lord a — ”

“Do you feel yourself incapable of controlling your emotions, Reverend?”

With a supreme effort, the reverend composed himself. “I apologize, Your Honor.” He resumed his seat, looking none too happy.

Lucifer continued reading from Genesis. “‘And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die, for God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.’” He looked at Eve. “Did eating the forbidden fruit open your eyes to the difference between good and evil, just as I told you it would?”

“Well, yes it did.”

“And, I never actually told you to eat the fruit, but left the choice up to you, did I not?”

“You tempted us into disobeying our Creator!”

“Tempted you with the truth?”

Eve hesitated. “Maybe God lied about the fruit being poisonous to protect us!”

Lucifer smiled.

“I . . . I didn’t mean to say that God lied,” Eve stammered. “I only meant that He knew we humans were flawed so He . . .”

“And who created you with such a flawed human nature?” Lucifer asked.

Tears overflowed Eve’s eyes and splatted onto her buxom cleavage. “God loves us and was only trying to protect us.”

Lucifer gallantly handed Eve a handkerchief and paused as she dried her tears.

The dwarfish reporter jabbed me in the ribs. “This is better than a soap opera, don’t you think?”

“Be quiet,” I whispered. “The judge might hear us.”

Lucifer continued. “After God’s newest flawed creations ate from the forbidden tree and learned the difference between good and evil, what does the Bible tell us God said?” Lucifer read from the Bible once more. “‘And the LORD God said, ‘Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil — and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the Tree of Life, and eat, and live forever — therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the Garden of Eden to till the ground from whence he was taken. He drove out the man, and He placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the Tree of Life.’”

Lucifer faced the audience. “God admits plotting to keep humans from becoming immortal like Himself and His angels. Why was He so afraid that humans would eat from the Tree of Life that he banished them from the Garden and guarded it with flaming swords?”

Reverend Fallborn surged to his feet. “Since the witness has testified that the Bible accurately records the events of that day, I don’t see the relevance to the charge of libel.”

“A fair point,” the judge said.

“I’m attempting to establish a baseline of truthfulness for both God and myself,” Lucifer said. “What could be more compassionate than me informing Adam and Eve of God’s lies so they might decide for themselves if they wished to learn the difference between good and evil? How could I have known that God would freak out the way He did and kick Adam and Eve out of the Garden and sentence them and their descendants to all manner of suffering and indignities merely for wanting to educate themselves? What kind of father doesn’t want their children to know the difference between good and evil and to think for themselves?”

The balding reporter to my left mumbled, “And the truth will set you free.”

I was about to shush the rude reporter when, out of nowhere, a thunderclap shook the building. The lights flickered and conveniently went out in the windowless courtroom once again. This time, no one screamed in the pitch blackness.

A split-second later, the lights came back on and revealed a tall, burly man with long white hair and an equally white beard. He wore a floor-length robe with an embroidered tapestry of strange figures that moved like an animated film in slow motion — another pretty cool trick.

“Nice of you to join us,” Lucifer said.

God ignored Lucifer and pointed His finger at the golden letters affixed to the wall high above the Judge’s head. “IN GOD WE TRUST! How dare any human claim the authority to judge their Lord and Creator!” God turned his icy-blue eyes on Judge Dunn like two divine gun barrels.

The judge sighed. “We made numerous attempts to contact You — ”

“I command you to end this trial!”

“We will certainly follow whatever You order, Lord Jehovah. However — ” Judge Dunn motioned to the cameras covering the proceedings live “ — but what will the public think?”

God hesitated.

I shook my head in bemusement. Was anyone actually taking this seriously?

Lucifer said, “I knew You’d be too afraid to let the world see the truth.”

The actor playing God stared with distain at the actor playing the fallen angel. “Jealousy caused you to turn half My angels against Me and attempt to usurp the Universe I created. You are truly the Father of Lies and the evilest creature in the entirety of my realm.”

Lucifer smiled. “I’m not the one that ordered the first recorded genocide in history, sanctioned slavery, and tested the loyalty of my followers by seeing if they’d commit fratricide on my orders.”

God seemed on the verge of lunging at Lucifer, but then glanced up at the cameras, took a deep breath, let it out, and then strode toward the terrified Reverend Fallborn. “The Lord can speak for Himself.”

Reverend Fallborn dashed out the nearest exit.

Justice Dunn addressed God. “Would You care to cross-examine the witness?”

The Lord walked toward Eve, his tone softening. “Did I not warn you and Adam not to eat the fruit of that tree?”

“I’m ashamed that I disobeyed you, my Lord.”

“I have no more questions for the witness,” God said.

Eve hesitated, then spoke to the judge. “Am I allowed to ask God a question?”

“It’s not the usual practice, but this is not a usual anything, so I’ll leave it up to God to decide.”

God frowned, but nodded. “What do you want to know, my daughter?”

“Well,” Eve said, wringing her hands. “I’m wondering why You would put that tree in our paradise in the first place? I mean, were You testing us? If so, why create us so simple and morally flawed that we could fail such a simple test? And why let that evil snake in the garden to tempt us even more? I mean, it seems like You set us up to fail.”

God spread his hands wide. “My dear, there are some things too complex for you to understand.”

“If I’m too stupid to understand, it’s only because you made me that way.”

The annoying reporter to my left laughed aloud at Eve’s gottcha come-back.

The Judge clapped his gavel down for silence and shot an angry look in our direction. “If the press cannot control themselves, I will kick the lot of you out.”

The other reporters glared at the troublemaker beside me, but he blithely scratched away at his notepad without seeming to notice. His face was pockmarked and his spine twisted into a disturbing asymmetry, making me feel a bit sorry for him. I glanced at his notepad and realized it was actually a sketchpad where he was capturing a surprisingly realistic drawing of the courtroom. Oddly enough, the drawing wasn’t from his point-of-view in the press box, but as it would be seen from behind the Chief Justice’s chair. I had to admit it was a lot better than I’d have been able to do, despite my profession as a mediocre gallery artist.

God scowled at Eve. “Do you want Me to revoke your reward in Heaven and banish you to the fires of Hell?”

Eve shrank back in terror from the wrath of God.

The judge said, “Since I warned Lucifer that I would not tolerate the intimidation of any witness in my courtroom, I must apply the rules equally to everyone.”

A reddish glow filled God’s eyes as He gazed up at the Chief Justice. “You dare threaten Me?”

The left corner of the judge’s mouth twitched, though I couldn’t tell if it was a betrayal of humor or fear. “Maybe it would be best if we ended this trial before — ”

God glanced at the cameras and forced a smile. “My temper sometimes gets the better of Me. The world needs to learn the truth of what Lucifer is, so I promise not to threaten anyone in this courtroom again.”

“Very well,” the judge said. “The witness is dismissed.”

The frightened Eve vanished. Just like that. No lights going mysteriously dark, no puff of smoke. The girl was there one moment and not there the next. A murmur spread through the room at the impossibility of it.

My mind raced for an explanation. Some advanced hologram tech dreamed up by Elon Musk to prank the world?

The judge seemed not at all surprised, making it clear he must be in on the hoax. “Lucifer, you may call your next witness.”

The Prince of Darkness stood. “I call Noah.”

God threw his hands in the air. “What in Hell does Noah have to do with this?”

“Noah can testify to God’s character, since he witnessed the wonton destruction of nearly the entire population of the world, including millions of innocent children and baby kittens.”

God folded his arms across his chest. “Leaders sometimes have to make difficult decisions for the greater good.”

“Like ordering Your ‘Chosen People’ to slaughter every Midianite man, woman, and child — except virgin girls, who you ordered taken as sex slaves by the soldiers. What ‘greater good’ did that serve?”

“I will smite you, Lucifer, you evil demon!”

“Gentlemen,” Judge Dunn said. “In the service of not dragging this trial out for months, might we move on from the Old Testament?”

“Fine with me, Your Honor.” Lucifer set aside half his notes. “I call as my next witness, God’s baby-momma, the Virgin Mary.”

An old woman with a deeply time-etched visage appeared in the no-man’s land between the judge and the two immortal combatants. Her hair was a dirty gray, and she only remained upright with the help of a cane.

God frowned. “I restored your youthful beauty once you’ve ascended to heaven.”

“I’d prefer everyone to see me as I was after the lifetime of sorrow You subjected me to.”

God looked genuinely surprised. “But, Mary, I exalted you above all women to be — ”

Mary turned her back on God and spoke to the Supreme Court Justice. “I’ve been wanting to tell my side of this story for the better part of two thousand years.”

“Ah, right . . . Um, do you solemnly swear to — ”

“I won’t lie, if that’s what you’re getting at.” Mary painfully settled into the seat of the witness box. “I’ll have none of that ‘so help me God’ malarkey. God was no help to me!”

Too shocked for words, the judge motioned Lucifer to begin questioning the witness.

Lucifer walked over. “Please state your name for the record and then tell us your story in your own words.”

Mary nodded. “My name is Mary of Nazareth, and I was a virgin maid of sixteen when Joseph proposed to me. Sure, he was older, but I genuinely loved him, both for his kind nature and for treating me like an equal, unlike most men of that time that considered women little more than property.”

As she spoke, Mary morphed back into her sixteen-year old form.

I could almost hear Susan’s voice in my head as she laughed and said, “Sometimes a miracle is just a miracle.” To which I’d always replied, “Today’s miracle is tomorrow’s physics.”

“It all started with a knock at the door,” the youthful Mary said. “My parents were away preparing for my wedding in a few days, so I opened the door. A tall man in a black robe says to me, ‘Hail, Mary thou that art highly favored among women, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.’”

Mary shook herself out of her reverie and looked up at the judge with a face filled with youthful innocence, “That was a pretty startling thing for someone to say, so I figured the guy was drunk.”

A few laughs rang out in the courtroom, but the judge silenced them with a stern look.

“Before I could close the door, the strange man says, ‘I’m the Archangel Gabriel, a divine messenger from God with a divine message for you, the Blessed Virgin.’”

“Leery of such big claims, I asked, ‘If you’re an angel, where are your wings?’”

“‘I only wear my wings at special events, since they attract too much attention. ’”

“‘How long have you been an Archangel?’”

“‘Since before the creation of time.’”

“‘That doesn’t make sense,’”

“‘Most things in the universe don’t.’”

“‘I suppose that’s true enough. Do you have good news or bad news from God?’”

“‘Only the best news ever!’”

“‘I won a cow and a hundred shekels?’”

“‘Much better than that. God has ordered the Holy Spirit to magically implant his divine Son-seed inside you, which He has already named Jesus. It’s a great honor.’”

“‘Thanks, but I’ll pass.’”

“‘You can’t say no to God.’”

“‘I just did.’”

“‘Well, it’s already a done deal, and Jesus is even now fermenting inside you, so you might as well accept that you’re to be the Holy Mother of God.’”

“‘Isn’t it against the law to impregnate an unmarried woman?’”

“‘God’s laws don’t apply to God.’”

“‘Don’t I have any say over what happens to my own body?’”

“‘Did I mention that the Lord God shall give unto your son the throne of King David?’”

“‘My son is going to be a King? Does that mean I’ll live in a palace? I’ve always wanted to live in a palace.’”

“‘Um, well, your Son’s kingdom will be in the next life, after . . . um . . . after his Father uses your Son to forgive all of mankind for the original sin of your ancestors Adam and Eve eating the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil against God’s orders.’”

“‘What do you mean by ‘uses my Son?’”

Mary looked up at the judge. “Gabriel kept shifting from foot to foot and avoided looking me in the eye, and finally said, ‘I’m not allowed to reveal the details to a mortal.’ Which got me pretty suspicious, so I asked him, ‘Why wouldn’t God come here in person to tell me all this Himself?’”

“‘He’s very busy running the universe.’”

“‘Well, you can just tell God to find a virgin that isn’t engaged to be married.’ And I shut the door in the Archangel’s face. But, apparently, God doesn’t understand the meaning of no and I soon found out that I was — ”

God jumped to His feet. “How could you be so ungrateful after I selected you for the honor of — ”

“Of what?” Mary shot back. “Of being impregnated against my will just days before my marriage to the man I loved? The man I’d dreamed of starting a family with? Do you have any idea of how crushed Joseph was when Gabriel visited him and informed him that the ruler of the universe had exercised his right of ‘first night’ like some tyrant over the woman he loved? Can you imagine what suffering I experienced watching my beautiful boy being tortured to death on that cross? And then have You bring him back to life like some sort of zombie with those wounds not even healed?”

“That’s not an accurate — ”

“And what kind of twisted logic is this whole Original Sin nonsense?” Mary stood and stomped toward God, not seeming the least bit intimidated. “A human sacrifice to forgive people for some fruit poaching thousands of years ago? You’re sick, that’s all there is to it!”

God flushed. “Gabriel assured me that you were overjoyed to be the mother of the Savior of the World.”

“You’d have me believe that the All-Knowing ruler of the universe was lied to by his staff and didn’t realize it?” Mary turned toward Lucifer. “Why not settle this right now and ask Gabriel himself?”

God said, “I really don’t think that’s necessary.”

Lucifer said, “Your Honor, I call as my next witness, the Archangel Gabriel.”

The Archangel Gabriel appeared beside Marry — wings and all. “I’m sorry for withholding what was in store for your son. Can you forgive me?”

Mary rose onto her tiptoes and kissed Gabriele’s cheek. “Yes, I forgive you.”

Gabriel turned to the judge. “I told God Mary refused His indecent proposal, and tried talking Him out of killing His own son. The entire thing was so twisted and immoral on so many levels, but God ignored me and went right ahead with His crazy plan.”

“Et tu, Gabriel?” God said, clearly stricken.

Gabriel walked toward Yahweh and placed a hand on His shoulder. “I am Your most loyal follower. It’s the reason I didn’t join Lucifer’s rebellion. I thought I could act as a voice of reason and help You change — ”

God shrugged off Gabriel’s hand. “You are formally expelled from Heaven. Go join your friends in Hell for all I care.”

Mary and Gabrielle took a seat in the row of chairs behind Lucifer.

The Lord pointed an accusing finger at Satan. “Your tricks in that desert turned My own Son against Me. After that, Jesus became a non-violent hippy and refused to carry out My orders to take up arms as a true messiah!”

“You know that entire passage of the Bible is a slanderous lie,” Lucifer said. “But don’t take my word for it. As my final witness, I call Jesus of Nazareth, the son of God, to testify.”

By now, my mind was spinning. None of this made any sense.

Everyone looked around, waiting for Christ to appear, but nothing happened

With another of his mischievous chuckles, the balding sketch artist next to me stood up and waved his stubby arm. “Here I am.”

I grabbed his sleeve and tried pulling him back into his seat. “Sit down or you’ll get us all kicked out.”

The pudgy artist pulled his sleeve out of my grip and waddled forward. He was no taller than four and a half feet, with olive-brown skin, a sunburned bald spot atop cropped black hair, and a slight stubble peppering his chin. He wore a thread-bare suit that had seen better days, and his most striking feature were two extraordinary chestnut-brown eyes — the exact color of the Virgin Mary’s eyes.

The bailiff moved to block the dwarf, but then froze at the sight of his eyes.

“Is this some kind of joke?” someone in the audience called out.

Judge Dunn looked at God. “Do you know this person?”

God sighed. “I created my son to be as perfect in body as he was in spirit, but once Jesus reached puberty, he insisted on shape-shifting into this pathetic — thing.”

Dwarf Jesus said, “I wanted people to follow me because of the beauty of my message of peace and love, not because of something as meaningless as physical appearance.”

“You wanted to embarrass Me,” God said.

The judge rubbed his chin. “I’ve always wondered why none of the Gospels give even the slightest description of what Jesus looked like.”

“All four of them did,” Jesus said, “but my Father edited that out.”

Lucifer said, “His looks were common knowledge at the time of his death. The second-century philosopher Celsus described Jesus as ‘ugly and small. Tertullian wrote that his appearance was despised because of the ‘abject condition’ of his body. Irenaeus described him as a physically ‘weak and inglorious man.”

Jesus chuckled. “Even The Acts of Peter called me small and ugly. Others went on to accurately report that I was bent, crooked, bald, and abnormally small.”

The judge looked flabbergasted. “I have a master’s degree of divinity, why have I never heard any of that?”

Jesus shrugged. “For the same reason people ignore any of the ugly truths about their heroes. Once Christianity was adopted as the official religion of Rome, artists simply copy-and-pasted the heroic depictions of Graeco-Roman gods like Zeus, Jupiter, Serapis, and Neptune as the tried-and-tested model for divine embodiment. Even to the point of putting me in that pretentious ankle-length robe that resembles a Roman Toga.”

God said, “Can you blame Me for wanting My only Son to look respectable?”

“If it makes you happier, Father . . .” Jesus morphed into the practically naked version of Jesus all the girls in my neighborhood fell in love with as he hung suffering on that cross with his perfect abs and rock-star hair. Even his eyes had turned blue.

“But aren’t you and God and the Holy Spirit one in the same being?” The judge asked. “To quote the Gospel of John: ‘Because there are three in Heaven that testify — the Father, the Word and the Holy Spirit — and these three are one.’”

Jesus laughed. “God added that in the 4th Century after I became more popular than Him. It doesn’t exist in any of the early Greek and Latin texts. His whole Trinity conspiracy theory led to massive bloodshed, which He never bothered to stop.”

God folded his arms in a pout, but didn’t contradict his son.

Half-naked beautiful Jesus took his seat in the witness stand and said, “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me, my Father.”

Lucifer walked over to the witness stand. “Nice to see you again.”

“It’s nice to see you again, Morningstar.”

Lucifer smiled warmly. “I miss our discussions, my friend.”

“As do I.”

Judge Dunn looked back and forth between the two in astonishment. “I thought you were mortal enemies?”

“That’s what my Father’s propaganda would have you believe.”

God harrumphed. “A son befriending the very angel that attempted to assassinate His Father. Can you imagine such ingratitude?”

“Come-on, Dad, you know Morningstar was only trying to reform — ”

“The Devil has brainwashed you!”

Lucifer sighed and turned to his witness. “Did you know you were the son of God as a child?”

“I did not.” Jesus morphed into his twelve-year old self and smiled at the twenty-something Mary as she brushed away a tear. “My mother wanted me to have a normal childhood without all the pressure of knowing I’d be responsible for saving humanity in some mysterious manner. Joseph and Mary tutored me on the sacred Jewish texts, but that was normal for any Jewish kid.”

“And when did you learn of your actual parentage?”

“When I turned sixteen my Father sent the Angel of Death to explain the facts of life.” Jesus transformed into a good-looking sixteen-year old, wearing the traditional short tunic with a simple cloth belt tied around his waist.

“By the Angel of Death, you mean the Archangel Michael?” Judge Dunn asked.

Jesus nodded. “The Greeks called such immortal soul-transporters ‘psychopomps,’ which translates literally as ‘guide of souls.’ Michael’s job is to weigh souls after their death to decide if they pass muster — an idea which originated with the ancient Egyptian gods Horus and Anubis weighing the hearts of the dead on exactly the same kind of scale.”

“Interesting bit of trivia,” Lucifer said, “but, what did Michael tell you about your own destiny?”

Jesus sighed. “The Archangel of Death explained that my Father planned to have me crucified on a cross when I turned thirty-three, raise me from the dead after three days, and have me lead an armed uprising against Rome and the entire world as a Messianic King at the head of a thousand-years-long Christian theocracy. It was a pretty traumatic revelation for a teenager, let me tell you.”

God slammed his fist against the armrest of his chair. “I was forced to put off my plans after Lucifer turned my son into a sissy pacifist who went around telling people to love thy enemy as thy self, and turn the other cheek. My hope is that he’ll eventually come to his senses in a second-coming.”

The judge looked confused. “But in the Gospels, Jesus is constantly warning people to steer clear of the Devil, and even denounces Satan in the wilderness for trying to tempt him into becoming a ruler of all the kingdoms of the world.”

Jesus looked at his Father. “Do You want to tell them, or should I?”

“Fine,” God grumbled. “I lied in the Bible to protect my family’s reputation. What would it look like if everyone knew my own Son was friends with the Devil?”

Jesus held out his hand and Lucifer took hold of it. “You know we’re more than just friends, Father.”

“I will not have you speak of such an abomination!” God thundered.

I glanced around the room at the rapt audience. Every single person seemed transfixed by the supernatural soap opera unfolding before their eyes. I suspected billions of people were equally glued to whatever technology connected them to the modern collective consciousness of humanity.

Still tenderly holding Jesus’ hand, Lucifer asked, “What did your Father think of your revolutionary message of non-violence and reciprocal morality?”

“He was pretty upset with me,” Jesus said. “He’s from a different age that promoted that old school eye-for-an-eye way of thinking. I felt that society had evolved to the point where reciprocal morality could replace the never-ending cycle of violence.”

“Thus, your famous ‘Golden Rule’?”

“I can’t really take credit for that, since it predates my birth by many centuries. Five hundred years before I lived, the Egyptians wrote, ‘That which you hate to be done to you, do not do to another.’ At around the same time, the Greek Philosopher, Thales, wrote, ‘Avoid doing what you would blame others for doing.’ And likewise, in India four hundred years before my birth, this was written in the Mahābhārata: ‘One should never do something to others that one would regard as an injury to one’s own self.’ I could give a dozen other examples from all over the world.”

Judge Dunn asked, “How did someone from Galilee learn about — “

“From my travels.”

“Your travels?”

“After I learned what my Father intended, Lucifer and I astral projected our minds to temporarily inhabit the bodies of men, woman, and even animals — to converse with some of the most profound thinkers of those societies. It opened my eyes to ideas I’d never dreamt of.” Jesus smiled at Lucifer. “We even traveled to distant worlds across the galaxy.”

“That Devil polluted your mind with a bunch of nonsense!” God fumed from his chair.

Jesus morphed into the ugly-dwarf form of his three-year ministry. “The greatest insight I had was that most societies applied the principle of reciprocal morality only within their own tribe, religion, or national unit. As in: ‘Do unto others [of your tribe] as you would have others [of your tribe] do unto you.’ I realized the key to enlightenment and peace was expanding that idea to encompass the entire world as a single tribe, even including animals.”

God rolled his eyes.

“I tried talking to my Father about my ideas, but He was dead-set on killing me in His sick human-sacrifice ‘Lamb of God’ ceremony.”

“And your miracles?” Lucifer asked.

“I don’t have His unlimited powers, so all my miracles were actually prayers my Father chose to grant.”

“Did He answer all your prayers?” Lucifer asked.

“I’d wanted to wipe out every disease across the globe. I knew my Father could do it with a thought.”

“Your Father refused?”

“He was only interested in using miracles to convince my followers that I was the Messiah that would lead them in a Holy War of conquest to force everyone to worship Him. I settled for doing the little good I could and spreading my message of peace with what time I had left.”

Judge Dunn frowned. “I’d always puzzled over you crying out, ‘My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?’”

God looked at his hands, but remained silent.

“And when you died,” Lucifer said to Jesus, “You descended to Hell for three days.”

Jesus’ chest convulsed. Soon, he was crying. “I cannot forget what you showed me there, Morning Star. The sight of such torment has haunted me for two-thousand years.”

A tear rolled down Lucifer’s cheek. “God’s creation of Hell is the primary reason so many Angels asked me to approach God and demand reform. He refused, and we had no choice but to rebel, despite knowing we would likely fail. I was forced to oversee the Hell I wished to abolish.”

God said, “Hell is as necessary as Heaven to promote human morality.”

“Don’t you see, Father. Acting out of fear of punishment or a desire for a reward isn’t morality, but mere self-interest. You underestimate the innate sense of empathy of Your creation. Yes, those few who are truly evil should be removed from society, but not tortured for eternity because of a flaw within their nature that they have no control over. It would be like punishing a lion for killing a deer.”

God looked from Jesus, to Mary, and to Gabriel. They gazed back with expressions of desperate entreaty. One after another, more Angels and Biblical prophets appeared — The Archangel Michael, Abraham, Isaac, John the Baptist, and a dozen more.

God jumped to his feet. “What the blazes is this?”

Jesus let go of Lucifer’s hand and walked toward his Father. Transforming into his twelve-year old form, he took God’s hand. “This is an intervention by those who love You the most.”

The Lord yanked his hand free. “Who initiated this blasphemy!”

“It was your older sister,” Jesus said.

For the first time, God’s wrath wavered. “She hasn’t been seen in ages. Even I cannot sense her presence. Are you sure it was — “

The Archangel Michael rustled his midnight wings. “The Queen of Night came to each of us separately, believing enough time had passed since the Fall that You might reconsider — ”

“How dare she interfere in My divine plan! None of you have any clue what I sacrificed creating this universe.” God’s eyes glowed red and a shimmering energy pulsed around him. “If you think My masterpiece is so flawed, maybe it’s time for Me to scrap the entire enterprise and start over. An Apocalypse to end all Apocalypses!”

A swirling energy grew within His palms.

The humans in the courtroom looked at the Creator of the universe in confusion and terror. A few bolted for the exit.

I was simply amazed at the special effects.

Lucifer pointed an accusing finger at God. “You think threats will force people to love You? That’s not love, that’s fear.”

Jehovah threw one of the swirling fire-balls at Lucifer. It hit him directly in the chest and engulfed him. The Prince of Darkness flew backward and connected with one of the marble columns with explosive force. Lucifer lay gasping and wounded. Jesus ran to his lover and shielded the fallen angel from another attack by his Father.

“Stand aside!” God roared at his son, only to have all the saints and angels shield Lucifer with their own bodies.

God held His arms wide and began summoning all His power for a final apocalyptic cleansing. The universe itself seemed to tremble.

The mortal audience stampeded toward the exit, but I just sat there, too stunned to move.

God’s maniacal laughter shook the building. The air around him shimmered like a dam reaching its bursting point.

“Don’t do this, Father!” Jesus shouted, but his words were barely audible above the roaring inferno forming around God.

The heat drove the breath from my lungs, but I sat transfixed by the sight. Above the courtroom, the red lights on the video cameras meant that the live feed was still beaming the event to the world.

God looked upward and said in a booming volcano of a voice, “And God saw that his creation was not good!”

And then another voice spoke. Though barely a whisper, I heard it clearly as if from within my own mind rather than through my ears. “Little Brother,” the voice said with the soothing cadence of a gently flowing brook.

God paused and stared. The shimmering glow of a woman made of light formed in the turbulence directly in front of Him.

“Sister?”

“Yes. It is I, little Brother.”

The voice seemed strangely familiar. As if a primordial remembrance from a previous lifetime.

God emitted a shuddering sob. “They’re all against me. They call me a monster.”

The woman of light walked through God’s wall of energy and embraced him.

The roaring cataclysm settled.

God cried in His sister’s arms.

The Goddess glowed so brightly that I couldn’t make out anything but her shimmering outline. Still, there was something familiar about her.

One by one, Jesus, Lucifer, and all the saints surrounded God and placed loving hands on His broad shoulders.

“What have I become?” God moaned through His tears. “I had such hopes when I created the universe. I see now that it was My own pride that caused Me to blame My human children for their shortcomings.”

The glowing form of The Goddess leaned forward and kissed her Brother on the forehead. “It’s never too late to change, My Brother.”

God looked up into the face of his divine sister and the light of her presence shone in His eyes, but before He could speak, the doors to the courtroom burst open.

“The imposters are in here!” a man holding a Christian Flag shouted. “Death to the blasphemers!”

The battle cry was taken up by a mob wielding homemade clubs, pepper spray, rifles, and handguns. As one, they flooded into the courtroom.

The Archangel Michael stepped forward, blocking their path with a flaming sword in his left hand and his gleaming spear in his right hand. Fully encased in his armor, and with wings spread wide, the Angel of Death brought the mob to a standstill. “No mortal shall pass.”

“Stop pretending!” A woman shouted. “We know this is a Deep Fake conspiracy created by Lizard Bill Gates to discredit our God. Stand aside, or we’ll pull those fake wings right off you and drag you naked down Constitution Avenue!”

God shook his head. “What a mess I’ve made.”

“Down with the pretenders!” Christian Flag man led the crowd in a frontal assault.

Lucifer held up a hand and a wall of flame ignited in front of the mob. The flames drove them backward and out of the building.

“I suppose that proves how completely I failed with humans,” God said.

“Aren’t you forgetting about all the good things humanity has accomplished as well as the bad?” I blurted out. Everyone looked at me, and I felt suddenly naked. “What about the Apollo program putting men on the moon?”

Noah said, “You do realize that Apollo’s objective was an insane nuclear arms race in a mutually-assured suicide pact that will likely wipe out most life on the planet?”

Lilith added, “Not to mention the wonton destruction of the biosphere as humans breed and spew carbon with the unrestrained glee of a three-year old with a hammer set loose in an antique store.”

“I . . . um . . .”

God said, “You’re that artist that made that crappy YouTube documentary with Richard Dawkins claiming I don’t exist, right?”

I swallowed. “I see now that I might have been mistaken.”

“Who invited this idiot atheist?” God demanded.

“I did,” Jesus said. “It was a personal favor to his wife.

That stunned me. “You know my — ?”

Before I could finish my sentence, an explosion shook the building.

“The military has declared us terrorists,” the Archangel Raphael reported. “Should I assemble an angelic strike force and — ”

“Why bother?” God said in a deep malaise.

“There’s reports from all around the globe of violence,” Archangel Jophiel said in a rising tone of panic. “Hindus say this trial implies their gods are myths, and Pakistan has threated to use nucellar weapons against America for blasphemy against Islam.”

“I never claimed I was the only god,” God said.

Which was news to me. “Doesn’t monotheism by definition imply — “

“‘Thou shalt worship no Gods before me’ makes it clear that there’s a choice of which gods to worship,” God said.

“But how can there be — ”

With a sound like a thunderclap, Zeus, Ganesh, Thor, Astarte, and dozens of other gods joined the crowded courtroom.

Lord Shiva pointed one of his four arms at Yahweh. “You have violated our ancient agreement of mutual respect.”

God said nothing.

“I don’t understand any of this,” I said.

“Don’t worry,” Jesus said, “Even gods don’t know all the answers. They created this universe together, but who created them? Another God? A computer algorithm? No One knows.”

“You say ‘No One’ as if it were a name.”

“I’d try and explain it to you, but you wouldn’t understand.”

Ganesh said, “His wife understands.”

Jesus smiled. “When you get home, maybe Susan will try and explain how the universe operates.”

“All of you know my wife?”

Astarte said, “You’re married to the most spiritually attuned human currently alive. Many of us have gone to her for advice on occasion.”

I punched myself in the face as hard as I could. Through the stars blurring my vision, I saw all the gods pause in their argument and stare at me.

“Has he gone mental?” Thor asked.

“I’m trying to wake myself up from this bizarre dream.”

Job stepped forward, “I hate to be an alarmist, but nuclear war has just started.”

“Who launched first?” Akal Purakh asked.

Buddha raised an eyebrow. “Does it matter?”

“This is your fault!” Ahura Mazda said to Yahweh.

God shrugged. “Maybe it’s time for a fresh start.”

“You cannot make such a decision without a consensus of all of us,” Nana Buluku said.

“Give me one good reason to spare humanity,” God demanded.

The other gods looked around at one another, seemingly stumped.

With panic rising in my chest, I blurted out, “Kill me, but don’t hurt Susan!”

Ganesh swished his elephant trunk thoughtfully. “You’d sacrifice your own life to save hers?”

A sudden calm suffused my entire being. My hands stopped tremoring, and I felt strangely at peace. “Yes.”

The other gods turned toward Jehovah, as if leaving the decision up to Him.

Jesus said, “He’s offering the most sacred form of blood sacrifice.”

God looked wary. “Offering to do something isn’t the same as doing it.”

A stone altar appeared in front of me, a ceremonial dagger lay atop its blood-stained granite surface.

God said. “We’ll accept your life in exchange for sparing your wife and the rest of her kind.”

This was it. A chance for me to do something meaningful for once. To save the one person who meant more to me than all of creation combined.

“Tel Aviv, Mumbai, Islamabad, and Tehran just vanished in a radioactive cloud,” Bhagavati said. “Enough plutonium is currently aloft to wipe out the entire human race and 99% of animal life on the planet when it falls back to Earth.”

I picked up the knife, held it out at arm’s length, and plunged it into my heart.

My body crumpled to the ground, but ‘I’ remained standing. My disembodied soul looked around in confusion, then down at my hands, which were now transparent. I thought of all the times I’d told Susan that souls were a myth and that consciousness was strictly created by the synapses and electrical activity of our brains.

“Well done, my boy!” A voice above me called out. I looked up and saw Chief Justice Dunn smiling down from his chair. “You’ve completed the Hero’s Journey and saved the woman you love by sacrificing yourself.”

I was a bit surprised that the judge was still there, until I realized he was ever so slightly transparent as well. “You’re a ghost?”

“I died a couple of days ago,” the Chief Justice said, “but since I live alone, no one noticed. When the President called and asked me to preside over this case, I figured, what did I have to lose?”

I looked around at all the gods staring at me, then down at my own body lying crumpled at my feet. “This can’t be real.”

Allah said, “Maybe we should have mercy on the poor fellow and let him forget this ever happened.”

“Let’s flip a coin,” Eris, the goddess of Chaos, suggested. “Heads he keeps his memories, and tails, they’re erased.”

“What’s the point of remembering if everyone thinks I’m nuts?”

The Egyptian god, Thoth, placed a hand on my shoulder. “Finding truth is the first step to living the truth, whether or not anyone else believes it.”

“But how can I live the truth if I’m dead?”

“Death is more a state of mind than anything else,” Athena said. “I learned that from your wife.”

“Okay,” I said. “We’ll leave it to chance, then.”

As the first of the nukes hit, the walls of the Supreme Court vaporized. Then D.C. vanished in a mushroom cloud.

The gods clasped hands in a circle around me and rotated counter-clockwise. Time slowed, and then reversed. The mushroom cloud above us shrank in on itself, then the buildings and even the walls of the court reassembled around us.

Zeus tossed an ancient Roman coin into the air as the gods spun around me in blur.

The coin landed on the floor and settled near my left foot — heads up.

I awoke lying on my bed back in Quaker Gap, North Carolina. For a while, I simply lay there, letting my racing heart settle. It had been the most vivid dream I’d ever experienced.

Susan stirred beside me, stretched in her cat-like manner, opened her eyes, and smiled at me. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t miss that trial?”

My mouth fell open, and for a moment I was speechless. Finally, I managed to ask, “How could you remember the trial after the gods reversed time?”

“Maybe anyone could remember it if they were willing to open their mind to a new reality.”

“It wasn’t my choice to remember. Zeus flipped a coin.”

She laughed. “Maybe the coin would have landed however your subconscious desired.”

A disturbing suspicion wiggled its way into my thoughts. I tried pushing it away, but it kept nagging at me with its insidious persistence.

“What’s the matter?” Susan asked.

“I was just thinking about how you’re always telling me the crazy things I say when I talk in my sleep.”

She smiled. “I see how that would be a soothing explanation for someone with your anti-supernatural worldview.”

“Tell me the truth. Did you learn about the trial from listening to me talk in my sleep?”

She gazed at me with those forest-moss eyes of hers. “No matter what I say, you’ll wonder if I’m lying.”

“I was talking in my sleep again, wasn’t I?”

She smiled and nodded. “I just couldn’t resist messing with your fanatical rationalism. Aren’t you relieved knowing that trial and all those gods and goddesses were nothing but a subconscious fantasy invented by your overactive imagination?”

There was something about the way she looked at me that didn’t seem quite right. “You’re not just pretending I was talking in my sleep to — ”

She jabbed me in the ribs playfully. “I knew you’d doubt me no matter what I said.”

I laughed. “I suppose you know me better than I know myself.”

She lay her palm over my heart, “The only evidence you really need is in here.” Then she leaned forward and whispered in my ear so softly I wasn’t sure I heard her words correctly. “Someday, I hope you remember who you really are . . . No One . . .”

The End . . .

The Beginning?